Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconpyro-pain: More from pyro-pain


Featured in Collections

Writings by Nomiz666Mizno

vampires by Jaka-linn


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
April 1, 2007
File Size
1.6 KB
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,541 (2 today)
Favourites
86 (who?)
Comments
115
×
Creatures of the night
Fleeting in and out
Of his sight,
Moon shines

Shadows frozen in time
Blood red lips
From drinking too deep
It stains

Rave scenes,
Glowing light sticks
Moving blurs
Of mortal bodies

Dashing along
Narrow alleys
Praying for some relief,
Something to satisfy

Sucker for a sweet word
Voice says
"Follow me,
Little one"

He followed
The creature
Inserts fangs
Into point A and point B

Festive faces
Fangs piercing flesh
Fool for flattery
Fool falling prey

He shivers slightly
Flinching away
From the pain,
"It hurts wonderfully"

But it didn't last
Long enough
For him to feel satisfied,
For him to feel full

Lonely little boy
Pressed his fangs
Through young necks
For gratification

"Fulfill me"
His seductive eyes
Seemed to plead
But each fix was never enough

"Your blood is a drug
Your body is a fix...
I want to consume
Each drop"

His prey is repulsed
He enjoys it not enough...
There is no love
For a lonely vampire

He'd die
If the prey ran away
"I need your blood..."
He prays for it

The gage barely moves from empty
No matter how deep
The drink gets,
There is no filling an empty soul
requested a poem about vampires... I tried... It's an attempt to say the least...

The fact the Anne Rice books are glaring at me from their shelf doesn't help...

Anyway, feedback appreciated, requests are being taken. thanks for 2500 pageviews.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconredropp:
Redropp Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
very good work
Reply
:iconaphie7:
Aphie7 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
oh my, dats some pure poetry:D
Reply
:iconyoda-vaderworshipper:
This is beautiful...

It makes me think of what maybe Claudia or even better Armand was thinking after they were first turned

Absolutely beautiful....

Keep it up and MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!
Reply
:iconpyro-pain:
pyro-pain Featured By Owner May 23, 2008
Thank you.


Yeah, I could even see Louis thinking in that mindset in a way, just with a few alterations.

May the force be with you too.
Reply
:iconyoda-vaderworshipper:
your welcome!
Reply
:iconpyro-pain:
pyro-pain Featured By Owner May 30, 2008
^^
Reply
:iconthestreetreader:
TheStreetReader Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2008
You have a very strong word flow, which is important in delivering good poetry. It doesn't stop and stutter like a lot of amateur work that you read online these days.

I suppose the one thing I would suggest is that you kind of drop the subtlty around line 17. We know it's a poem about vampires, but what I like about a lot of writers such as Anne Rice and Chelsea Yabro is that the story is rarely focused on the fact that they are vampires, rather on what they do as people that seperates them.

It's like, one minute you have the emotion and darkness and the next second you sort of slap us in the face with "I'm a vampire, I'm a vampire! Get it! I drink blood cause I'm a vampire!"

This isn't a criticism of the poem as such. Again the poem is very well written, I just think the subject of the vampire could have been a little quieter up until the end. Keep us guessing while painting the picture with your words.
Reply
:iconpyro-pain:
pyro-pain Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2008
Thank you, appreciate it. I get what you're saying, I'll keep that in mind for the next thing I write. Really appreciate the feedback.
Reply
:iconthestreetreader:
TheStreetReader Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2008
Not a problem. I hope it wasn't too harsh. It was actually a lot better written than my own poetry so I wasn't trying to come off as pretentious.

:)
Reply
:iconpyro-pain:
pyro-pain Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2008
You didn't come off as pretentious in the least. It wasn't harsh, it was honest, one thing no one should ever regret: honesty. I seriously appreciate the criticism and I'm gonna take it into account next time I write a poem.
Reply
Add a Comment: